It's not over until it's win-win-win

This quote caught my eye in Anthea Stratigos’ book, Magic in the Mundane. Stratigos was not talking about mediation. She was explaining their family philosophy of making sure everyone gets a say and that no one is sacrificing. But her quote is perfectly applied to mediation. Until dad, mom and the kids all have what they need in an agreement, our work in mediation is not done.

What I particularly like about Stratigos’ philosophy is that it is non-judgmental and very practical. She doesn’t say, “If it is not win-win-win, you have failed.”  Her approach is to roll up your sleeves and keep working. Don’t give up short of the goal line.

Often at the courthouse when we make an agreement to settle a case, I will hear the other attorney or the judge say, “If both of you are unhappy about something, we have done our jobs.” The idea is that you can’t get everything you want and still make an agreement, so each person is going to be unhappy about something or some things.

Does it have to be that way? Do our agreements need to make us fundamentally unhappy? How do we settle a case with people with different viewpoints and desires and allow everyone to feel content with the outcome?

One way we do this is by realizing the difference between positions and interests. Both parents may not be able to stick to their original positions and still reach a win-win-win agreement, but very often we can accommodate the interests of all involved. Here are some examples of the differences between positions and interests:

Position: I need my child’s other parent to drop him off to me at 5:30 pm in Ina, Illinois.

Interest: I need to set up an exchange time and location that will accommodate my work schedule.

Position: I want my children every weekend.

Interest: I want to have quality time with my children so that we can build lasting memories. (The deeper interest might be: I want my children to have a happy childhood that they can look back on fondly when they are adults and have children of their own.)

As you can see from the above examples, positions tend to be narrower and more rigid. Ironically, parents can win their positions but not meet their interests. It’s like the old saying, “You can win the battle and lose the war.”

Our job in mediation is to work together to help uncover each parent’s interests and those of the children so that we can craft a parenting plan that is going to be win-win-win for everyone.