In Conflict, are you Velcro or Teflon?

It is a familiar scenario to parents of small children – you pick up your child and the Velcro fastener on their shoe grabs hold of your sweater or shirt. Velcro works by pressing two strips together. One strip is covered with tiny hooks. The other strip is composed of tiny loops. When pressed together, the hooks grab the loops and the Velcro holds tightly together. Only an intentional tug will release the hold. The Velcro hooks do not discriminate between the loop part of the Velcro and other surfaces that have tiny loops. Many garments have been marred for life by a chance encounter with the “sticky” side of a Velcro fastener.

           Conflict is the same way. A person who is hurt and angry often has their “hooks” out. They may be looking to pick a fight or hurt someone else. They may just be seeking relief from their pain in an ineffective manner. What you need to decide when someone is trying to hook into you is if you want to be Velcro or Teflon? You can allow that person to hook you and ruin your day, your week or your year. Or you can stay smooth to give them nothing to hook onto. Velcro does not stick to a Teflon coated pan, a countertop or any other smooth surface.

How to approach Conflict Without getting hooked in

           Listen without reacting. Even if they are experiencing drama or creating it, you do not have to become a part of it. You can watch as a calm, neutral spectator.

           Don’t fight fire with fire. They might yell, they might call you names or they may say really unfair things. Try to respond only with comments that are true and helpful. You can respond as a calm, neutral spectator.

           Keep your mind in a good place. They might threaten to take actions that you do not want. Refuse to allow your own fears to run away with you. Make the decision to keep your mind in a positive place. You can be a calm, neutral spectator.

           The hard news is that you may have to do this again and again. The good news is that by not linking into their conflict you can hold space for them to move out of that desire for conflict into a more productive way of relating. It is also possible that they will not move out of the desire for conflict but they will move away from trying to start a problem with you and on to some other situation in their life. Either way, you have preserved your peace of mind and prevented bigger problems from taking over your life.