Can Mediation Be Done Separately?

My usual practice as a family law mediator is for me to meet with both parents in the same room (whether in an in-person room or a Zoom room) at the same time. The reason I do this is because my ultimate goal is to increase trust and communication between the parents. Although that may seem impossible in a tense divorce or parenting conflict, we have often seen yelling, cussing parents walk out smiling and laughing after a good mediation session. I realize that, as a mediator, I have a valuable service to parents and families, and I realize that I will not always be around to help with communication. That is why we like to move toward increased communication between parents during our sessions.

That said, we have had mediations in which we have achieved an agreement through what is called “shuttle mediation.” In shuttle mediation, the parents are not in the same physical (or virtual) space. The mediator “shuttles” back and forth between the two clients, relaying information to them one at a time.

Advantages of Shuttle Mediation

Physical Safety

We once had a client who swore she would hurt the other parent if they were in the same room together. While I like to think she was not really serious about following through on her words, we did shuttle mediation to eliminate any concern of things getting out of hand.

If there is a credible threat of violence, we have to evaluate if mediation is the right option. Both parties in mediation have to be able to voice their own concerns and desires. Sometimes shuttle mediation can help with this. If both parties are able to express themselves in the mediation process despite a history of violence, we can use virtual methods, such as Zoom, to conduct the mediation.

Emotional Safety

 I think it is fair to say that most people who come to us for help have been through emotional pain and suffering in relation to their child’s other parent. We encourage everyone to try a joint session, even though it might be painful. The opportunity for growth that will help your child is a huge upside that will make it worth it.

But what about situations in which there is just too much hurt and no capacity to move through it? What about parents who have not spoken for literally years? Shuttle mediation can be a good option.

I once turned one of our joint sessions into a shuttle mediation and reached a resolution. One parent felt intense hurt from the other parent’s extramarital activities and was lashing out during the mediation. By providing a little physical space, the parents were able to reach agreements that benefited their children.

Disadvantages to Shuttle Mediation

Takes longer.

Having to go back and forth between the two parents and repeat what is said takes more time than having everyone together in the same room.

Possibility for miscommunication

Even with a skilled, conscientious mediator, there is a possibility for miscommunication when the mediator is going back and forth between the parents.

So yes, mediation in parenting cases can be done separately. Although for most of our cases we see great benefits to mediating together, there are some cases in which shuttle mediation can work miracles.

If you think you have reasons why shuttle mediation might be best for your case, please let us know when you call to schedule your mediation.