You don’t have to agree in order to mediate

You don’t have to agree in order to mediate. A common misconception about mediation is that you have to agree about the issues in your case in order to mediate.

I mediate family law cases. Family law cases include parenting cases with never married parents and divorces. In family cases, we determine the best parenting time schedule for the children. In mediating divorce cases, we also handle property issues, such as dividing assets and debts. The parties usually have known each other for many years. There is a lot of emotion involved. Sometimes that emotion spills out in anger or in tears. Mediation is a safe place to express that emotion, but we don’t stop there.

Mediation is forward-focused. Although we sometimes talk about the events and emotions of the past, our main goal in mediation is to help you reach agreements about what will happen in the future. You decide how you will move forward from this point. As parents, you determine what parenting time schedule will work best for your children. You figure out how to best divide your assets and debts to achieve your future goals. When you mediate your case, you actively work to make the best decisions for your family, instead of turning that decision over to a judge.

At this point, you might be saying, “Sounds great, but I already told you we can’t agree on anything!”

Think for a minute about dispute resolution in other contexts. Labor unions and management. The Israelis and the Palestinians. Do those groups agree going into their negotiations? No. Have they had bitter, even bloody, conflicts? Yes. Are they often able to reach at least some agreements through negotiation? Yes.

So, what advantages does mediation have over trying to hash out an agreement at the dinner table or going to court?

Sometimes just having a neutral third-party there is enough to make the discussion more calm and civil. When that third-party is trained and experienced in resolving (or managing) conflict, the effect is even greater. A good mediator keeps you moving toward resolution, instead of staying stuck in the usual arguments.

When you commit to mediation, you have committed to spend a set period of time (often two hours per session) focusing on the issues. You can prepare before the session. This preparation includes emotional preparation and gathering needed information. Nobody gets ambushed (or interrupted during their favorite tv show).

When you come to mediation, usually only the parties and the mediator are present in the room. If the parties decide that other people will be helpful to the discussion, they can have those people there too. Most of the time, though, only the parties and mediator will be there. Your meddling mother-in-law will have to stay outside. The other parties’ obnoxious lawyer will be off making some else’s life miserable. Mediation is a time for focusing on what works best for you and the other person involved. The “noise” of outside voices is temporarily silenced so that you can concentrate on making good decisions.

When mediation works, people walk out of my office with smiles on their faces. Sometimes they walk out laughing and joking with each other. When mediation works, both people tend to save a lot of money on legal costs. They make agreements that work for their lives. They learn how to work through future conflicts. (Or at least they learn where to come to resolve their conflicts.) When mediation works, families can move forward. Children can live in peace.

Suspend your doubt and try mediation for all the benefits that it will offer you and your family.

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